god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
