I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
