Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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