I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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