i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
