just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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