i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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