How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
