I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
