mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
