my phone needs a breathalizer
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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