I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
