I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
