You smell like a Billy Joel song
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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