Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
