Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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