What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
