hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
