It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
