i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
