i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
