you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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