Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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