Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
