He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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