Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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