she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Randomize
