i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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