I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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