i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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