if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
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I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
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I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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