look no pants
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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