Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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