How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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