The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
