you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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