I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
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Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
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Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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