I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
