I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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