Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
worst night to have a conscience
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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