the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
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Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
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I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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