ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
