She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
