Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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