thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
