I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
