Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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