yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
