Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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