Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
