thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
