i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
