the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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