it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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