can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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