The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
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He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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