well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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