i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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