Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
