when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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