I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
