no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
