Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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