my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
