why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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